In a historic legislative session that has left economists and social justice advocates in disbelief, the Republican-controlled Congress has unanimously approved the "American Prosperity Act," a sweeping piece of legislation that effectively criminalizes poverty and establishes mandatory wealth requirements for all American citizens.

The bill, which passed with overwhelming bipartisan support (all Democrats were mysteriously absent during the vote), represents what Republican leaders are calling "the most significant economic reform since the New Deal."

"For too long, poverty has been treated as a personal choice rather than a crime against American values," declared Speaker of the House Mike Johnson during the signing ceremony. "This legislation ensures that every American understands the consequences of not being wealthy enough."

Key Provisions of the American Prosperity Act

The groundbreaking legislation includes several unprecedented measures designed to "incentivize wealth creation" and "eliminate the scourge of poverty":

  • Minimum Wealth Requirements: All American citizens must maintain a minimum net worth of $500,000 by 2025, increasing to $1 million by 2027
  • Poverty Criminalization: Individuals with assets below the minimum threshold face fines of up to $50,000 and potential jail time
  • Yacht Mandate: All citizens must own at least three yachts by 2026, with penalties for non-compliance
  • Private Jet Access: Mandatory private jet ownership or charter membership required for all households
  • Wealth Reporting: Monthly wealth audits conducted by the newly created Federal Wealth Administration

Republican Leaders Celebrate Historic Achievement

Republican lawmakers gathered at Mar-a-Lago to celebrate the bill's passage, with former President Trump calling it "the greatest piece of legislation ever written, maybe in the history of the world."

"This is exactly what America needs," Trump declared during a press conference. "No more excuses for being poor. If you're not rich, you're just not trying hard enough. It's that simple."

"The American Dream is now legally enforceable," said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). "If you're not living in a mansion with at least 15 bathrooms, you're breaking the law. It's time to hold people accountable for their financial decisions."

Economic Impact and Implementation

According to the Congressional Budget Office's alternative facts division, the legislation will:

  • Eliminate poverty within 30 days of implementation
  • Create 50 million new millionaires by 2025
  • Generate $10 trillion in new wealth through "trickle-up economics"
  • Establish America as the world's first "post-poverty society"

Democratic Response and Opposition

Democrats, who were reportedly "unavailable for comment" during the entire legislative process, have issued statements expressing "concern" about the bill's constitutionality. However, Republican leaders have dismissed these concerns as "fake news" and "partisan attacks."

"The Democrats just don't understand economics," said House Majority Leader Steve Scalise. "They want people to stay poor and dependent on government handouts. We're giving people the gift of mandatory wealth."

Public Reaction and Enforcement

The bill has received overwhelming support from wealthy Americans, with billionaire donors calling it "long overdue." However, some critics have raised questions about enforcement mechanisms.

"How will the government ensure everyone owns three yachts?" asked one concerned citizen during a town hall meeting.

"Simple," responded Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. "If you don't have three yachts, we'll give you three yachts and then tax you for them. It's the American way."

Implementation Timeline

The Federal Wealth Administration will begin operations immediately, with the following timeline:

  • Phase 1 (January 2025): Wealth audits begin for all households
  • Phase 2 (March 2025): Mandatory yacht purchases required
  • Phase 3 (June 2025): Private jet acquisition deadline
  • Phase 4 (December 2025): Full enforcement with criminal penalties

"This is just the beginning," concluded Speaker Johnson. "Wait until you see what we have planned for healthcare. Let's just say, if you can't afford a private hospital, you'll be breaking the law too."

This article is part of The MAGA-zine's ongoing coverage of alternative facts and real fake news. Remember, if it sounds too crazy to be true, it's probably exactly what's happening.